Sunday, October 11, 2009
I don’t even know where to begin. How I’m feeling and have been feeling off and on for some time now. I’ve had what I can only describe as a restlessness inside me for some years. A longing for a greater purpose, for a greater plan, for a greater something than the mundane, mediocre life I’ve been living. I’ve sought for my “plan” and “purpose” from above, with no luck, or so it has seemed. What am I “supposed” to be doing with my life? What is God’s great call, his purpose for me, his good and perfect plan?
I’ve went from job to job, church to church, seeking my “way,” my “purpose,” my “plan” with no success. I go to retreats thinking this time it will be different, this time I will be changed for good, that emptiness inside will finally be filled and I will know why I’m here and what I should be doing in this life. But the feelings of the mountaintop experiences quickly pass, and I find that I am still the same person I was before I left on said “life-changing” retreat. Except a little more confused and frustrated.
Why is it that I can only seek and “find” God in a retreat-like setting? Why is He so hard to find in the day-to-day existence that makes up my life? Why can’t I get in touch with Him in my bedroom, in my “quiet-time” chair that I put in the corner for just that purpose? Why is it that I resist finding Him here in the mediocrity?
I long for something greater than me to swoop in and change me from the inside out without me having to do much work. However, I know that that doesn’t work, at least it doesn’t work for me. Change from the inside out takes work. I guess I’m finding that I don’t want to do the work it takes to truly change. I would rather wallow in self-pity, excuses, and the comfortableness of what I’ve always been and always done.
I’ve been to a supposed “life-changing” class, Lifeskills, with little to no change. But I also realized that I didn’t really get into it much and do the necessary steps to make a lasting change. I guess I keep wanting that instantaneous change that I hear happens to some people when they first come to Christ—where they are changed in an instant and are no longer the old person but a “new creation.”
I haven’t yet found my new creation. All I see in the mirror every day is the same old self, the same self-centered, angry person who is discontented with life as a whole. Who desires to change so many aspects of life, but who gets very discouraged very easily and overwhelmed very easily. I see SO MANY areas that need changing, and I can’t just focus on one very well, so none of them get focused on and nothing changes.
So then I spiral down into my hole of depression and self-pity. The enemy tempts me to go farther and farther away from the only One who can help me. I scare myself sometimes with the things I think about and the things I do. I’m beginning to wonder if I have a psychological aversion to becoming thin because I secretly think I will give in to those temptations that have plagued me for years. Because I still don’t give myself much worth – largely because of my continuing flaws, mostly anger, cussing, laziness and self-centeredness that never changes.
Also because I’m fat (obese, bordering on morbidly obese) and feel extremely unattractive. My last “boyfriend” if he could even be called that was a manipulative player who used me and abused me and then left me. He didn’t care about me for me. Kemp was the only one who came close to that, except for maybe Steven. But no one has even had an interest, yet I see even uglier and fatter women who get dates and mates, but not me. Am I truly meant to be single the rest of my life? I don’t think I’m okay with that.
This just adds to my ever-growing disgust for myself. I’m now a horrible teacher, and a no-good writer wannabe. I’ve been in a writer’s group for a year and haven’t finished anything I’ve started and haven’t even started much of anything at all. It’s like I have a great aversion to writing at all, but I don’t know why. I know that when I start a fiction story, I stop because I don’t know what I’m doing, but I don’t think I have the time or energy to learn what to do, or do research. Or maybe I’m just too damn lazy to do any of that. Maybe I just want it to come easily and when it doesn’t, I just give up.
Maybe that’s what I expect in life. Maybe that’s what I expected this English class to be, and now that it’s not, I want to quit. I quit the teaching session I was supposed to teach for the writer’s retreat in two weeks because it’s not coming easily – and because I’m not qualified to teach on writing because I don’t write! And so that’s what I’ve branded myself as, a quitter, a loser, a failure. So I set myself up to fail in every area of life: writing, spiritual, health, exercise, etc.
Except my current job, which I almost did set myself up to fail at the beginning. Now I know I do a good job, but I still feel a restlessness and anxiety in it. One because I’m afraid one day they’re going to run out of money and we’re not going to get paid and the whole place is going to go bankrupt. Then where will I be? But of course that’s also being selfish and self-centered. And worrying. And not trusting God. Which I’m good at.
I need to ask God for forgiveness for being a practical atheist and leaving Him completely out of my life. I feel like a hypocrite every time someone even starts talking about spiritual things. I feel so out of it, so far from Him, of my own choosing. But why have I run the other way? When did this all start?
I think it started when I read some books, “The Myth of Christianity” and Shane Claiborne’s book. Those books showed me how far from being a true follower of Christ I really am. And instead of inspiring me to be a better one, I withdraw and become depressed because I don’t think I will ever be that kind of Christian. I even began to wonder if I’m even truly saved since I’m so self-centered as an affluent American who doesn’t know the meaning of being persecuted for one’s beliefs or going without.
I keep thinking how I’m surrounded by so much “stuff” that feels stifling. There are periods of time when I just want to get rid of it all. But for what end? What purpose? To “follow” Christ? But what does that entail? What does that really mean? Do I know how to be a follower of Christ?
I don’t feel that I do. I don’t love people like I should, like Jesus tells us to. I don’t even love Him like I should. If I did, I would WANT to spend time with Him. I would WANT to know Him better. There was a brief time when I did want that, deep inside in my spirit. But my flesh is so weak and it didn’t want that, it wanted to do whatever it desired and I gave in to it, as usual.
But what is life about then? Working, eating, sleeping, playing and then dying? What does that accomplish? NOTHING! What does going to church and playing the Christian part really do if you’re not touching other’s lives with the truth of God’s word? I haven’t even barely looked at my Bible in three months. I left one of them in a friend’s car for two months and didn’t even miss it!
Here is a prophecy sent to me from someone I don’t even know on October 2 but I just now read it:
Thus Saith the Lord; October 2, 2009
Oh My people, I am crying out to you and I am shaking you awake. Beware, beware, so many problems will come crashing down on you very soon. If your eyes are still on the world and your possessions you will be caught off guard. You must be one hundred percent yielded to Me at all times.
Have you still not recognized that I am Almighty? When you finally realize that I am truly Omnicient, Omnipotent, and Omnipresent you will comprehend that I can do all things. Remember that I chose you long before you knew Me.
These truly are the very last days for the world as you know it. Many of you feel that you have lost all things, but you will never lose Me so get your mind off of your troubles and look only to Me.
Your nation is floundering like a fish out of water. They feel they have all the answers without God, but all they will accomplish is total disaster. In the end every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord! Either you are Mine completely or you are not Mine at all. The enemy already has a hold on those who are only partial or pretend Christians. I ask you to search your hearts very carefully and find any place you are still holding back from Me. Give all to Me for then I am able to give all to you. Does not My Word say, “Return to Me and I will return to you”! (Acts 15:16) (Malachi 3:7)
Received by Katie Jordan
I have been feeling for some time now that impending disaster is coming to our country and those who are sitting comfortably in our affluence will be taken by surprise and not be prepared for what lies ahead. Persecution is coming to America and soon. Who will be ready to face it? Who will be on the Lord’s side when it comes and who will still be sitting on the fence thinking they are on the Lord’s side when in fact, the Enemy owns the fence!
My prayer today at 3:25 p.m., October 11
“God – Awesome, Almighty God who is GOOD and GREAT… forgive me for straying from you! Forgive me for doing my own thing, for thinking only of myself, for worrying, for stressing, for not spending time with you, for not believing you, for thinking only of myself and not of anyone else. Forgive me for my anger and my horrible thoughts and my filthy words.
Yes, I have questioned you, I have questioned if you still care about me, if you’re still there even after I’ve turned away in what is only rebellion and disobedience. It’s NOT ABOUT ME after all, is it? Why am I so focused on ME, ME, ME as if the world revolves around my life. I have lost my focus, the true focus of life. I lost it a long time ago and never truly gained it back, though I’ve seen glimpses. I know that the hurt of my past, and the lies of the enemy have held me back from obeying you and from grabbing hold of that all-elusive “purpose” which is spelled out in your Word if only I would dare to go there.
I want to get my mind off my troubles and look only to you as the prophecy says. Prophecy: “Either you are Mine completely or you are not Mine at all. The enemy already has a hold on those who are only partial or pretend Christians. I ask you to search your hearts very carefully and find any place you are still holding back from Me. Give all to Me for then I am able to give all to you. Does not My Word say, “Return to Me and I will return to you”! (Acts 15:16) (Malachi 3:7)”
Oh God, I am not completely Yours! The enemy does have a hold on me…I don’t want to be a partial Christian, I don’t want to sit on the enemy’s fence and think I’m fully Yours when I’m not! Lord, YOU search my heart and find the places I am holding back from You! Lord, I want to return to you! I want to be all Yours! I don’t know HOW!
The answer has always been there, I just haven’t wanted to do it. I haven’t wanted to spend the time, the effort. FORGIVE ME LORD for I am a woman of unclean lips and an unclean mind!!!! I am stubborn and disobedient! I am rebellious! Anything worth having is worth working for! Forgive me for not wanting to work for anything! I have been wanting everything handed to me. I don’t know why or where that came from, all I know is that’s what I’ve thought or expected for so long.
I know I don’t have to work for my salvation, but I do have to work for my sanctification and intimacy with you. I’ve never really had to work at a relationship. I know I need to spend time with You, and I know I’ve given so many excuses not to. My excuses will not hold up in the end.
I don’t want my life to be nothing but regrets in the end. I want my life to count for something. I know those people in the monastic communities and others who are loving people and living for You are not any better than me, spiritually or otherwise. They are living in obedience to what You have told them to do and be.
Show me how I can spend that quality time with you Father! How I can hear your voice when You speak to me? I don’t want to be confused! Help me able to take things in steps and be okay with it. Everything can’t be done all at once. Doing nothing gets me nowhere! And that’s where I’ve stayed for so long. In the land of Nowhere!
If’ I’m supposed to write for you, impress it on my heart what that is to be. I do need you, I can’t do any of this on my own anymore. I don’t want to worry or stress over anything! You are Lord and God of all that is and all that is to be, what have we to worry about? You hold us in the palm of your mighty hand! You count the stars and know them all by name! You know my name!
Thank you! Thank you for your love and grace! Thank you for loving me when You didn’t have to. Show me your path so that I may walk it. I want to be ready when trouble comes. To be able to trust you that you are always there and will never let me go, no matter what comes.
You know my doubts, all my fears, all my struggles. Thank you that you know them all!
