Last week I was volunteered to participate in a contest for a Toastmasters Club in Concord. I went to fulfill my duties as ballot counter for this club's International Speech and Table Topics contests. I went not knowing how the two International speeches would impact me.
The first was titled, "Do It Afraid," and was presented by a wonderfully enthusiastic lady who shares my (first) name, Tracy. She was very much afraid to do this. She said at the beginning that failure is trying to please everyone. Interesting. And that how we have to do things for ourselves even if we're afraid. And the reason we DON'T do so many things we want to do, is because of our fears: fear of failure, prejudice, being judged, etc.
Then she told the story of her decision to grow her hair out (which was a big deal considering she is an African American lady and her hair appointments are a four-hour ordeal). When her son and husband saw her new do, they were mortified to say the least. She didn't expect their negative opinions. However, they didn't expect her response either, in which she cried, "Well, I LOVE it!!" Even though that may have been a minor thing, it was a big deal to her.
Well, I can relate. I joined Toastmasters AFRAID. It may have been a minor thing, but it was a big deal to me and it was something I did even though I had fears of rejection, failure, etc. I realize that fear is going to precede anything worth doing. The devil does love to inject that emotion in us right before we do something worthwhile. We can't let is stop us though. We HAVE to do it afraid! Stand in the face of fear. That's what courage is, after all (which is what the name "Tracy" actually means: "courageous").
Then the second speech was by a guy named Rolando who is a massage therapist. His speech was titled, "To Your Health" and he talked about his theories of the causes of fibromyalgia. Being a massage therapist, he gets a lot of people (mostly women) who come in with this disease of the muscles. He started asking them questions and realized that about 95% of them had either gone through menopause or had a hysterectomy. His theory is that fibromyalgia is caused by hormone imbalance.
Then he heard someone say that women who had this were women who did not have an outlet for their creativity. He began to ponder this and realized that, in nature, females' main purpose is to create life. Therefore, when their hormones get out of balance and they are not being "creative" in whatever way that is (in drawing, art, etc.), then their muscles tense. His message was that we need to REST and BE CREATIVE.
Oh yeah! I have been on a "quest for rest" -- God's rest, that is. And an outlet for some kind of creativity. However, I realized tonight that perhaps I am not being creative because of FEAR and because I'm not being creative, perhaps what I have thought was arthritis may actually be fibromyalgia. Since I have had a hysterectomy and PCOS and my mom has it, I may be prone to it. So I need to find rest and creativity for a whole lot of reasons, but this reason outweighs them all.
I truly believe God was speaking to me tonight through two Toastmasters who decided to participate in a speech contest. I've found that He does speak in the most unusual ways. Who knew I would go to count ballots at a contest and come away hearing from the Almighty?
Feb 15, 2011
Jul 24, 2010
Live a Great Story!
The words, “Live a great story,” beckon me from a frame on my living room wall. My former roommate wrote out this message for me on the beach last year after I had listened to Donald Miller’s new book, “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years,” about living a better story.
It seems I have always felt this indescribable feeling that there is more to life than “this” – whatever “this” may be at the time. Right now “this” is living, or should I say existing, as a single, never married, 30-something in a small town with two cats—working, eating, sleeping, watching TV, and occasionally hanging out with friends.
The “more to life”—that “abundant life” that Jesus promised—is still calling to me to do and to be something better than I am. Something more like what I was made for, and not what I have simply accepted as life.
So how do I live a better, or especially, a great story? I know one thing: It’s not continuing in the old habits of not using my gifts and opting instead to sit in front of the TV, feeding my face and thinking with the same victim mentality I have had most of my life. Instead, living a better story means I have to get up, get out, and do something DIFFERENT that makes life better, and more abundant.
It has been in the last few weeks that I have resolved to get healthy. I have always been overweight, comparing my body to that of my much taller and much thinner older sister. This mentality of having always been fat has stood like a brick wall in my path to a healthy weight. That, and the fact that I find it difficult to stick anything green into my mouth. Not to mention that exercise is like a prison sentence.
However, that brick wall is beginning to crumble as I am getting to the point that losing weight is no longer optional. For my own health (and for the sake of my too-small ankles that can’t hold up my 190-something lbs), I have stepped out and started a weight-loss program. I have also decided to actually use my YMCA membership to do water aerobics and Zumba classes.
Sure, I would love to look really good in a dress, but it’s much more than that. It’s about restoring my confidence and being healthy enough to pursue my dreams. I have used my weight as an excuse to not use the talents God has given me, such as drama, singing, and public speaking, because I couldn’t stand that everyone would be looking at me. Now I am realizing that it IS possible for ME to be a thin person and that, frankly, it doesn’t really matter what people think.
Looking back on my teen years, I remember two broad goals of mine: to help people and to make a difference in the world. In my quest for purpose, I have failed more than succeeded in those two realms. Serving others has not come easily to me. Seems I’ve been more selfish than I would like to admit. My weight and general feeling of blahness have also been influential in keeping me from participating in many selfless serving opportunities.
As I continue to heal, and concentrate less on the junk of my own life, the desire to step out and help other people gets stronger and stronger. I want to take a risk and go somewhere that is so out of my comfort zone, like a mission trip where my faith will be stretched. But I don’t want to just go on a mission trip and then come back and be like I’ve always been.
There are opportunities all around me, in my every day life, in which I can be less selfish and more giving. Like giving someone money anonymously who needs it more than I do, or helping an old woman in a clothing store get back in her wheelchair after she’d fallen out. I am realizing that living a life for self is a very lonely life indeed. It’s only when we step out and put others’ needs and desires ahead of our own, that we truly being to LIVE a great story.
Also, I have felt for years that my enduring Father has been wooing me to use my gifts for Him, but I have felt unworthy and insecure, fearing all that can be feared: failure, success, rejection, pain. One of those gifts is writing. I used to love to write when I was younger, and have attempted to write many novels in the last eight years or so. But they all sit, unfinished, in my computer.
Maybe I stopped trying because of those all too-familiar words that have run like a tape recorder through my mind for as long as I can remember: “You can’t do anything right.” Of course, I knew in my head that those words were a lie, but in my heart, they rang too true. Words from my past, and failures I’ve endured, built another wall when it came to writing. I would start, but then stop when the story got too difficult, much like I did in real life.
But that wall is beginning to crumble too as God keeps whispering his Truth and I, little by little, am beginning to accept it. I am also starting to accept my gift of writing and desire to use it to reach people, to touch their hearts. I have read so many books, Donald Miller’s included, that have reached into my very soul and touched and healed things I never knew even existed or needed to be healed. I believe God has been calling me to this most difficult task for some time, but it was that hard, narrow path I was so afraid to take.
Right now, though, is the opportune time for me to write, even if it never goes anywhere. I am single with no family responsibilities. Sure, I have fears that I will work hard and then nothing will come of it. But I refuse to focus on that. If it is God who calls me to it, then I am doing it for Him and no one else. Not to mention that I have a writer’s group who will be there to help me in my journey.
What I want to do to live a better story may not be grand. However, when I have lived most of my life not risking anything and just going with the flow of life, losing weight, serving others and writing a book IS a big deal. And after having gone through seven months of life coaching in the past year (which is like counseling, only the focus is more on the future than on the past), I am finally getting to the point that I can step out of my familiarity, my comfort zone, and go where I’ve never attempted to go before, where I never thought I could go.
And one of those places may just be Donald Miller’s “Living a Better Story” seminar in Portland, Oregon. I am entering this blog in a contest to win a trip to the seminar. Considering that Donald Miller is one of my favorite authors, and I could never afford to go this seminar on my own, winning this contest would be a dream come true. I would be honored to be able to spend time with Donald who has written five books, been all over the country speaking, and has changed his sedentary, boring life into one of adventure and meaning. I do believe that this seminar could help me get a clearer purpose for my life, and perhaps I could come away with a more lucid vision of what kind of book God is calling me to write.
For too many years I have been “desiring” to live a better story. But now I know that desiring to live a better story is not enough to actually LIVE a better story. More than anything else, I believe this seminar will be what Donald calls “an inciting incident”: the event that will force me to LIVE a better story, to go out there and DO the things God is calling me to do, and thereby become what God is calling me to be: a better character living a truly great story.
www.donmilleris.com/conference
Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.
It seems I have always felt this indescribable feeling that there is more to life than “this” – whatever “this” may be at the time. Right now “this” is living, or should I say existing, as a single, never married, 30-something in a small town with two cats—working, eating, sleeping, watching TV, and occasionally hanging out with friends.
The “more to life”—that “abundant life” that Jesus promised—is still calling to me to do and to be something better than I am. Something more like what I was made for, and not what I have simply accepted as life.
So how do I live a better, or especially, a great story? I know one thing: It’s not continuing in the old habits of not using my gifts and opting instead to sit in front of the TV, feeding my face and thinking with the same victim mentality I have had most of my life. Instead, living a better story means I have to get up, get out, and do something DIFFERENT that makes life better, and more abundant.
It has been in the last few weeks that I have resolved to get healthy. I have always been overweight, comparing my body to that of my much taller and much thinner older sister. This mentality of having always been fat has stood like a brick wall in my path to a healthy weight. That, and the fact that I find it difficult to stick anything green into my mouth. Not to mention that exercise is like a prison sentence.
However, that brick wall is beginning to crumble as I am getting to the point that losing weight is no longer optional. For my own health (and for the sake of my too-small ankles that can’t hold up my 190-something lbs), I have stepped out and started a weight-loss program. I have also decided to actually use my YMCA membership to do water aerobics and Zumba classes.
Sure, I would love to look really good in a dress, but it’s much more than that. It’s about restoring my confidence and being healthy enough to pursue my dreams. I have used my weight as an excuse to not use the talents God has given me, such as drama, singing, and public speaking, because I couldn’t stand that everyone would be looking at me. Now I am realizing that it IS possible for ME to be a thin person and that, frankly, it doesn’t really matter what people think.
Looking back on my teen years, I remember two broad goals of mine: to help people and to make a difference in the world. In my quest for purpose, I have failed more than succeeded in those two realms. Serving others has not come easily to me. Seems I’ve been more selfish than I would like to admit. My weight and general feeling of blahness have also been influential in keeping me from participating in many selfless serving opportunities.
As I continue to heal, and concentrate less on the junk of my own life, the desire to step out and help other people gets stronger and stronger. I want to take a risk and go somewhere that is so out of my comfort zone, like a mission trip where my faith will be stretched. But I don’t want to just go on a mission trip and then come back and be like I’ve always been.
There are opportunities all around me, in my every day life, in which I can be less selfish and more giving. Like giving someone money anonymously who needs it more than I do, or helping an old woman in a clothing store get back in her wheelchair after she’d fallen out. I am realizing that living a life for self is a very lonely life indeed. It’s only when we step out and put others’ needs and desires ahead of our own, that we truly being to LIVE a great story.
Also, I have felt for years that my enduring Father has been wooing me to use my gifts for Him, but I have felt unworthy and insecure, fearing all that can be feared: failure, success, rejection, pain. One of those gifts is writing. I used to love to write when I was younger, and have attempted to write many novels in the last eight years or so. But they all sit, unfinished, in my computer.
Maybe I stopped trying because of those all too-familiar words that have run like a tape recorder through my mind for as long as I can remember: “You can’t do anything right.” Of course, I knew in my head that those words were a lie, but in my heart, they rang too true. Words from my past, and failures I’ve endured, built another wall when it came to writing. I would start, but then stop when the story got too difficult, much like I did in real life.
But that wall is beginning to crumble too as God keeps whispering his Truth and I, little by little, am beginning to accept it. I am also starting to accept my gift of writing and desire to use it to reach people, to touch their hearts. I have read so many books, Donald Miller’s included, that have reached into my very soul and touched and healed things I never knew even existed or needed to be healed. I believe God has been calling me to this most difficult task for some time, but it was that hard, narrow path I was so afraid to take.
Right now, though, is the opportune time for me to write, even if it never goes anywhere. I am single with no family responsibilities. Sure, I have fears that I will work hard and then nothing will come of it. But I refuse to focus on that. If it is God who calls me to it, then I am doing it for Him and no one else. Not to mention that I have a writer’s group who will be there to help me in my journey.
What I want to do to live a better story may not be grand. However, when I have lived most of my life not risking anything and just going with the flow of life, losing weight, serving others and writing a book IS a big deal. And after having gone through seven months of life coaching in the past year (which is like counseling, only the focus is more on the future than on the past), I am finally getting to the point that I can step out of my familiarity, my comfort zone, and go where I’ve never attempted to go before, where I never thought I could go.
And one of those places may just be Donald Miller’s “Living a Better Story” seminar in Portland, Oregon. I am entering this blog in a contest to win a trip to the seminar. Considering that Donald Miller is one of my favorite authors, and I could never afford to go this seminar on my own, winning this contest would be a dream come true. I would be honored to be able to spend time with Donald who has written five books, been all over the country speaking, and has changed his sedentary, boring life into one of adventure and meaning. I do believe that this seminar could help me get a clearer purpose for my life, and perhaps I could come away with a more lucid vision of what kind of book God is calling me to write.
For too many years I have been “desiring” to live a better story. But now I know that desiring to live a better story is not enough to actually LIVE a better story. More than anything else, I believe this seminar will be what Donald calls “an inciting incident”: the event that will force me to LIVE a better story, to go out there and DO the things God is calling me to do, and thereby become what God is calling me to be: a better character living a truly great story.
www.donmilleris.com/conference
Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.
Dec 16, 2009
Victories
Saturday, Dec. 12
I almost didn't go to a Christmas production at Crossroads Church because everyone had backed out. I took a nap and tried to come up with excuses not to go. For some reason, maybe because I knew it would be fabulous, I couldn't and decided to just go.
On the way there, I prayed that I would find someone I knew who I could sit with. I almost didn't believe it would happen. I walked up and down the aisles looking for someone I knew. I saw one lady but there was no where to sit where she was. So I continued down the aisle until I thought I heard someone call my name. I turned around and saw a lady I knew, Kristy. She asked if I had a seat. Of course, I said I did't. The thing was, there were only three seats and they expected three more people to come. I didn't want to take someone else's seat, but she insisted that we could all squeeze in.
So I had to walk around to the other side to get in. I didn't even see the woman sitting beside Kristy. Lo and behold, it was my friend Kim whom I had been trying to get ahold of for weeks. Only two of the other people came too, so we didn't have to squeeze in. And they were good seats, five rows back in the center.
Kim and I had so much fun. We were talking and making each other laugh. Her phone had erased my message when I called her a few weeks ago. So she put my number in her phone. She had been having chemotherapy for the past six months and was rather out of it. She was just getting back into the swing of things.
God is good. That was the second time that kind of prayer was answered and in an even better way than I could have imagined. I was so glad I went by myself. The show was awesome and I got to see my friend.
I almost didn't go to a Christmas production at Crossroads Church because everyone had backed out. I took a nap and tried to come up with excuses not to go. For some reason, maybe because I knew it would be fabulous, I couldn't and decided to just go.
On the way there, I prayed that I would find someone I knew who I could sit with. I almost didn't believe it would happen. I walked up and down the aisles looking for someone I knew. I saw one lady but there was no where to sit where she was. So I continued down the aisle until I thought I heard someone call my name. I turned around and saw a lady I knew, Kristy. She asked if I had a seat. Of course, I said I did't. The thing was, there were only three seats and they expected three more people to come. I didn't want to take someone else's seat, but she insisted that we could all squeeze in.
So I had to walk around to the other side to get in. I didn't even see the woman sitting beside Kristy. Lo and behold, it was my friend Kim whom I had been trying to get ahold of for weeks. Only two of the other people came too, so we didn't have to squeeze in. And they were good seats, five rows back in the center.
Kim and I had so much fun. We were talking and making each other laugh. Her phone had erased my message when I called her a few weeks ago. So she put my number in her phone. She had been having chemotherapy for the past six months and was rather out of it. She was just getting back into the swing of things.
God is good. That was the second time that kind of prayer was answered and in an even better way than I could have imagined. I was so glad I went by myself. The show was awesome and I got to see my friend.
Dec 10, 2009
Excellence Vs. Perfection
Excellence:
- Being and doing the best you can do
- Merit/virtue
- A God-like quality
- Impossibly high standards
- Failure to achieve perfection is a sign of worthlessness
- Counterfeit to excellence
Dec 8, 2009
Condemnation Vs. Conviction
Condemnation:
- A LIE from the enemy
- A pronounement of judgment
- About who you are as a person
- Motivated by hate
- Facilitates feelings of shame, self-loathing
- Ends in dispair and/or depression
- From the Holy Spirit
- Meant to change behavior
- Not about who you are as a person
- Motivated by love
- Facilitates guilt and repentence (change of behavior)
- Ends in becoming more like Jesus
STRESSED OUT!!!!
Ever since Sunday I have been crying off and on. Ever since I returned to work I have been so stressed out. I am realizing that I do not know how to deal with stress. That is why it comes out in ailments in my body because I push it inside because I don't know how to deal with it all.
Now I find out that the blog I wrote never got published. I was just skipped over like I'm not that important. I know that old lie that I don't matter and that I'm not good enough. And that's exactly how I feel right now. I also have felt that way when parents ignore my statements to them to pay their bill. But even though I know it's a lie, I don't know how else to feel. I still feel defeated and worn out.
It's all too much. I kept saying this morning that I give up, I can't do it, blah, blah, blah. Yes, Diann did write a letter to help the parents "communicate" with me, after I talked to her about my problem with them. But it's one thing after another, it seems. I come home and once again forgot to take the trash can to the curb before the trash truck came (and they NEVER come at the same time). Kristin also forgets to take the trash out and basically "forgets" to even clean up when it's her turn.
And then there's Christmas coming up in three weeks and I have no money because I just had to take four days off of work unpaid and had to spend $600+ on Opie because he has diabetes. Not to mention the medical bills that just keep piling up and up and up. If I don't get assistance with the gall bladder surgery, I'm getting ready to have a HUGE medical bill that I will never be able to pay off.
All of this makes me want to curl up in a ball in my room and never come out.
Now I find out that the blog I wrote never got published. I was just skipped over like I'm not that important. I know that old lie that I don't matter and that I'm not good enough. And that's exactly how I feel right now. I also have felt that way when parents ignore my statements to them to pay their bill. But even though I know it's a lie, I don't know how else to feel. I still feel defeated and worn out.
It's all too much. I kept saying this morning that I give up, I can't do it, blah, blah, blah. Yes, Diann did write a letter to help the parents "communicate" with me, after I talked to her about my problem with them. But it's one thing after another, it seems. I come home and once again forgot to take the trash can to the curb before the trash truck came (and they NEVER come at the same time). Kristin also forgets to take the trash out and basically "forgets" to even clean up when it's her turn.
And then there's Christmas coming up in three weeks and I have no money because I just had to take four days off of work unpaid and had to spend $600+ on Opie because he has diabetes. Not to mention the medical bills that just keep piling up and up and up. If I don't get assistance with the gall bladder surgery, I'm getting ready to have a HUGE medical bill that I will never be able to pay off.
All of this makes me want to curl up in a ball in my room and never come out.
Dec 6, 2009
My Retreat (Sun, Nov. 29, 2009)
Today was a day dedicated to God, so I decided not to do any real “work.” This morning, I put on my praise CD and wept and danced and cried and laughed in worship for an hour or so. I felt God’s presence dancing with me and holding me as I cried in his arms on the sofa.
Then I felt I needed to take communion, at the altar behind the chairs. I removed the strange clay figure kneeling (no idols on God’s altar). I got the grape juice I bought yesterday and a saltine cracker and lit the candles (which is harder for me, I hate matches and flames. Luckily I didn’t set the place or myself on fire). I read the passage in 1 Corinthians about the Lord’s supper and cried and listened to God speak to me. I asked him if I could write down what he said. This is what I wrote:
“My light shines upon you – you are more than what you think you are. My daughter, you are mine. (I cried out at this point, interrupting him, “Why can’t I believe that? Why can’t I live like that?”) You only see in the physical. I see you as more than the physical. Allow me to open your eyes to the spiritual – to see with my eyes yourself and the world. You DO have a purpose. I am writing for you a better story. Will you believe?
Do not fear, my beloved. I will not forsake you. You the light to the world – this dark world, but I am the source of your light. Thank you for remembering me today.”
Then I said “I need to change my focus. It’s always on me, my health, my, my, my…It’s not about me.”
I continued after that listening to the praise music and gathering collage material (and worrying about my cat, texting Kristin about whether or not she fed him and gave him his insulin shot). I made two collages in my collage journal that I haven’t used since 2005. God spoke to me a lot in the second one, which I painted blue with red streaks across the blue and titled “God’s Heart.” I have been praying today for a renewed passion and love for Him. And not just in times of solitude like this, but in my every day life.
Then I watched the documentary “The Ordinary Radicals” about Shane Claiborne’s book tour of “Jesus for President.” It opened my eyes to see a world I haven’t wanted to see, living in my Christian bubble. Last night I lamented my inability to write a 500-700 word blog for the writer’s group. I kept saying, “I have nothing to say,” even when my own laptop mocked me with the hp slogan printed on the top: “What do you have to say?”
Today I sat and wrote over 700 words about seeking a transformation and seeing the world as Jesus does and being real about my lack of relationship with God and other people. I want God to change my story and thereby change me. But I know it will take stepping out of this bubble, my comfort zone, to do it. That scares me. I don’t know if I’ll ever really be ready for that. The unknown and the thought of pain and struggle really does scare me. But I hear my Lord saying to me, “Fear not!” “Be strong and courageous. I will not leave you nor forsake you.” (Joshua 1:5-6)
I will watch Angels and Demons in a little while and see what thoughts that movie provokes. The sky is beautiful right now. Several shades of blue; the clouds on the move over the mountain in the distance. I do love it here, but I know this is not where God calls me, even though I wish it were and I could stay here, sequestered from the cruel world. There is pain to face so that I may be able to comfort someone else down the road who faced similar pain. It is all so overwhelming to me now, but I know I have to learn to trust Him who does have a plan in all the madness.
Then I felt I needed to take communion, at the altar behind the chairs. I removed the strange clay figure kneeling (no idols on God’s altar). I got the grape juice I bought yesterday and a saltine cracker and lit the candles (which is harder for me, I hate matches and flames. Luckily I didn’t set the place or myself on fire). I read the passage in 1 Corinthians about the Lord’s supper and cried and listened to God speak to me. I asked him if I could write down what he said. This is what I wrote:
“My light shines upon you – you are more than what you think you are. My daughter, you are mine. (I cried out at this point, interrupting him, “Why can’t I believe that? Why can’t I live like that?”) You only see in the physical. I see you as more than the physical. Allow me to open your eyes to the spiritual – to see with my eyes yourself and the world. You DO have a purpose. I am writing for you a better story. Will you believe?
Do not fear, my beloved. I will not forsake you. You the light to the world – this dark world, but I am the source of your light. Thank you for remembering me today.”
Then I said “I need to change my focus. It’s always on me, my health, my, my, my…It’s not about me.”
I continued after that listening to the praise music and gathering collage material (and worrying about my cat, texting Kristin about whether or not she fed him and gave him his insulin shot). I made two collages in my collage journal that I haven’t used since 2005. God spoke to me a lot in the second one, which I painted blue with red streaks across the blue and titled “God’s Heart.” I have been praying today for a renewed passion and love for Him. And not just in times of solitude like this, but in my every day life.
Then I watched the documentary “The Ordinary Radicals” about Shane Claiborne’s book tour of “Jesus for President.” It opened my eyes to see a world I haven’t wanted to see, living in my Christian bubble. Last night I lamented my inability to write a 500-700 word blog for the writer’s group. I kept saying, “I have nothing to say,” even when my own laptop mocked me with the hp slogan printed on the top: “What do you have to say?”
Today I sat and wrote over 700 words about seeking a transformation and seeing the world as Jesus does and being real about my lack of relationship with God and other people. I want God to change my story and thereby change me. But I know it will take stepping out of this bubble, my comfort zone, to do it. That scares me. I don’t know if I’ll ever really be ready for that. The unknown and the thought of pain and struggle really does scare me. But I hear my Lord saying to me, “Fear not!” “Be strong and courageous. I will not leave you nor forsake you.” (Joshua 1:5-6)
I will watch Angels and Demons in a little while and see what thoughts that movie provokes. The sky is beautiful right now. Several shades of blue; the clouds on the move over the mountain in the distance. I do love it here, but I know this is not where God calls me, even though I wish it were and I could stay here, sequestered from the cruel world. There is pain to face so that I may be able to comfort someone else down the road who faced similar pain. It is all so overwhelming to me now, but I know I have to learn to trust Him who does have a plan in all the madness.
My Retreat (Sat. Nov. 28, 2009)
Today I found the cool café in Traveler’s Rest and then a really nice Christian bookstore where I bought some Bibles (one a gift for Mandy) and some cool music. Luckily I found my way back and that took about three hours. I graded four papers (five more to go) and listened to Donald Miller’s first two CDs for the second time, taking notes for the blog I started writing that is due tomorrow. Then I watched a movie and now I’m writing in my journal.
I don’t recall spending any quality time with God today though. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I have such an aversion to sitting down with Him. Wait, though I did sit in this chair for a few minutes this morning in silence. But I find when I sit in silence, my thoughts seem to take over and get me distracted. So I was distracted so I got up and finished getting ready and left.
Now I’m listening to music and my fan is on so I won’t be sitting in silence. The silence kind of scares me, especially when I’m alone. I guess I don’t know what to do or what to say in the silence and it all seems pointless.
Donald Miller just starts doing all these things, these risky things. Things he wouldn’t have normally done. Who rides a bike all the way across the country? What is the story I’m living? I feel like it’s a page full of meaningless experiences, random happenings, noise. Not music, not something that has a purpose, that is going somewhere.
Where am I going? Do I have an ambition, a desire? No, I don’t. I’m just existing, just going through the motions. Just going from one day to the next denying the possibility that day could be my last. And then what? What will people remember me for? Not my passion for God, not my service to others. Maybe a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister. That’s not good enough!!!!
I remember when I was in high school, sitting in my room and thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. I remember thinking I just wanted to make a difference in the world. But I haven’t. The last 15 years have been worth nothing. Going from one deadend job to another. Seeking that all-illusive purpose that evades my hands each time I think I’ve finally grasped it.
I’ve felt like I couldn’t change. That I’m stuck with who I am. And who am I? Beneath the appearances, the masks I put on so everyone thinks I’m fine. Who do I think I am…that’s really the question. And what I think is probably not the truth, but it’s what I think, which makes it true to me. It’s my perception, my reality. So I think I’m a failure in life. I’m a failure to God.
I’m fat, lazy, full of excuses, unmotivated, stuck in the river of life that is taking me wherever it might lead. I’m not trying to paddle, not trying to change my destiny. I’m stuck in the current, going through the motions of swimming, but not really putting forth much effort. That is who I THINK I am. That’s who I have been for so many years. My experience, my actions show me to be that way.
I don’t know how I can begin to think of myself another way, a way that I am not. I am afraid that if I try to be a person I am not, I will fail. Once again. And thus, I am a failure. A self-fulfilling prophecy. And the cycle continues. How do I get off?
The biggest risk I’ve made has been to teach a class at RCCC. I’ve wanted to quit. I still feel like a failure with that. I feel like I’ve failed my students, like I haven’t taught them like I should have. I’ve always wanted to do something that meant something, that changed lives, that made a real difference in the world. I haven’t found it. I’m beginning to wonder if I ever will. Or if I’m just supposed to be stuck forever.
If I can change my story, I don’t know how to start. Is it to help change someone else’s story? Is it to start listening to God as He is trying to write me a better story? Is it to obey Him? How do I hear His voice when I have tried and can’t. When my own voice is louder? I came here to get away and to hear God. I came to, yes, do my work, but to also spend time with Him. I must try. I don’t want to die with the story I’ve been living. I want to live a better story.
I don’t recall spending any quality time with God today though. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I have such an aversion to sitting down with Him. Wait, though I did sit in this chair for a few minutes this morning in silence. But I find when I sit in silence, my thoughts seem to take over and get me distracted. So I was distracted so I got up and finished getting ready and left.
Now I’m listening to music and my fan is on so I won’t be sitting in silence. The silence kind of scares me, especially when I’m alone. I guess I don’t know what to do or what to say in the silence and it all seems pointless.
Donald Miller just starts doing all these things, these risky things. Things he wouldn’t have normally done. Who rides a bike all the way across the country? What is the story I’m living? I feel like it’s a page full of meaningless experiences, random happenings, noise. Not music, not something that has a purpose, that is going somewhere.
Where am I going? Do I have an ambition, a desire? No, I don’t. I’m just existing, just going through the motions. Just going from one day to the next denying the possibility that day could be my last. And then what? What will people remember me for? Not my passion for God, not my service to others. Maybe a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister. That’s not good enough!!!!
I remember when I was in high school, sitting in my room and thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. I remember thinking I just wanted to make a difference in the world. But I haven’t. The last 15 years have been worth nothing. Going from one deadend job to another. Seeking that all-illusive purpose that evades my hands each time I think I’ve finally grasped it.
I’ve felt like I couldn’t change. That I’m stuck with who I am. And who am I? Beneath the appearances, the masks I put on so everyone thinks I’m fine. Who do I think I am…that’s really the question. And what I think is probably not the truth, but it’s what I think, which makes it true to me. It’s my perception, my reality. So I think I’m a failure in life. I’m a failure to God.
I’m fat, lazy, full of excuses, unmotivated, stuck in the river of life that is taking me wherever it might lead. I’m not trying to paddle, not trying to change my destiny. I’m stuck in the current, going through the motions of swimming, but not really putting forth much effort. That is who I THINK I am. That’s who I have been for so many years. My experience, my actions show me to be that way.
I don’t know how I can begin to think of myself another way, a way that I am not. I am afraid that if I try to be a person I am not, I will fail. Once again. And thus, I am a failure. A self-fulfilling prophecy. And the cycle continues. How do I get off?
The biggest risk I’ve made has been to teach a class at RCCC. I’ve wanted to quit. I still feel like a failure with that. I feel like I’ve failed my students, like I haven’t taught them like I should have. I’ve always wanted to do something that meant something, that changed lives, that made a real difference in the world. I haven’t found it. I’m beginning to wonder if I ever will. Or if I’m just supposed to be stuck forever.
If I can change my story, I don’t know how to start. Is it to help change someone else’s story? Is it to start listening to God as He is trying to write me a better story? Is it to obey Him? How do I hear His voice when I have tried and can’t. When my own voice is louder? I came here to get away and to hear God. I came to, yes, do my work, but to also spend time with Him. I must try. I don’t want to die with the story I’ve been living. I want to live a better story.
My Retreat - La Foresta (Friday, Nov 27, 2009)
Kind and Giving Things
I just realized that I was supposed to have been journaling all week but haven’t. I guess I had it in my head I would journal during my weekend retreat. However, I have done some kind things during the last week.
I gave three bags of food to different people. One was to my mom, who didn’t seem all that appreciative. She was more concerned there was something she wouldn’t like in it. I told her that Tiffany wanted me to give it to her, but that it was from our church. They had extra bags left over, so I took three to give away.
Another one went to Larry, who works for Diann as a handyman of sorts. I told him the bag was from me and Mandy and we wanted to bless him. A few minutes later I hear he’s trying to give it to another co-worker because he’s got a cupboard full of food that he’s too lazy to cook. I realized I should have given it to someone else. If he decided to give it to someone else who needed it more, then that would be fine with me.
The last one I gave to Mary Ann, the woman who used to be Diann’s housekeeper. She was very appreciative. I also told her the bag was from me and Mandy. She called Mandy to thank her. Diann also gave her $50 for Thanksgiving, just because. She’s a very nice lady. I miss seeing her twice a week, when I used to pick her up and take her to Diann’s house every Wednesday and Friday. She invited Mandy and me over any time. At least that one I could feel good about.
On Friday of last week, I gave my coworker, Misty, a thank you card just thanking her for being a friend and offering to spend more time with her outside of work. She thought it was very sweet of me. It felt good, but kind of awkward in a way because I’m kind of like a supervisor to her, but a friend too and it was kind of awkward to just open myself up like that. But she had sent me a card some months ago, appreciative of me being a friend to her.
I have tried to do little things to help people out. I’ve been trying to do that for some time now. Especially at work. I go above and beyond there, trying to help out in different ways, even it’s just a small thing. But I get into thinking that I do so much more than most everybody else and nothing is ever said about my taking initiative and doing more than is required. I feel unappreciated, I guess.
Last night, I went to the hospital to eat Thanksgiving dinner with my mom in the cafeteria where she works. While I was there, I had to go see if I could visit Bob. Mom found his room number and after getting lost, she walked with me to the critical unit, but I couldn’t go in. So she went in and found Lisa, his wife, and told her I was there. Lisa came out and talked to me. Bob is doing better than expected. Apparently the doctors had been telling her he wasn’t going to make it. But he’s breathing on his own. And he’ll be going to rehabilitation soon. She is a strong woman to deal with this. I asked if she needed anything. She said no. I hugged her and told her I would be praying for him and to tell him that I was there and I would be praying. She thanked me for coming by. I was tempted to just leave, but I’m glad I didn’t.
As far as Kim…well, I just called and left a message (at 3:23 p.m.). I told her I’m out of town but I was thinking about her. I wished her a happy late Thanksgiving and asked if perhaps we can get together sometime next week, if she has time, to catch up. I asked her to call me back when she can. Hopefully she will. I would love to get together with her. I realize that we will probably never be as close as we once were, but I still love her and I want to be a better friend than I have been in the last three years. I want to be there for her as she goes through this cancer journey. I miss her (I’m crying as I write this). I wonder if I haven’t failed her as a friend. I haven’t kept in touch with her either. I really hope she calls me back. Even if we can’t be as close as before, I can still be a friend to her. Even if she can’t really be one to me right now. I can only imagine what she is going through right now. I need to pray for her.
Friday, Nov. 27 continued…
Well, I wasted most of the day today. I did finish Donald Miller’s book on CD and wrote some in my journal, but then I wasted four hours with the TV on and doing puzzles. I shouldn’t even have the TV on this weekend. Except to watch the documentary on Shane’s book. Why do I waste so much time?
I feel like I need to come up with a schedule just so I won’t waste time. But I don’t really want to be on a schedule, yet I have things I really must do while I’m here. Like grade papers and come up with questions to ask the teacher I’m meeting with on Tuesday about the class I’ll be teaching in the spring. Those things I must do.
Other things I SHOULD do include spending time with God. That should really be a MUST do also. Yet it’s not. Why is that?
I don’t feel good…my stomach has been so upset since Wednesday night. Yet I still wanted to come, I needed to come. I need to rest. I brought some collage stuff. And art stuff. I hope to do some of that too while I’m here. As well as read and study the Bible.
But tomorrow I want to visit the local coffee shop so I can hook up to the internet and check my email. I’m still not sure if I’m going to have to write a blog this weekend since I haven’t heard from Kim or Tami.
I’m really tired. I think tonight will be an early night. I hope and pray that I don’t wake up hurting like I did last night and have to make myself throw up to feel better.
Disappointment and Writing
I feel like such a disappointment. The last two times it has been my turn to write a blog for my writer’s group’s blog, I haven’t done it. This last time I really forgot all about it. But apparently it was not a priority. It wasn’t before, either. Writing doesn’t seem to be a priority for me. Hasn’t been for awhile. It’s like I have an aversion to writing. I start many different writing projects, but can’t finish any of them. I thought I would be doing freelance writing about five or six years ago. I was going to writer’s retreats and had a whole notebook of tips and ideas and guidelines. But I did nothing with any of it. It sat on my shelf until now the guidelines are all out of date.
When I think about why I didn’t do anything with it, I remember having the desire but then when I saw all the work that I would have to do, I got overwhelmed and couldn’t bring myself to do it. It didn’t seem worth all the work, I guess. Or maybe I just wanted it to be easy. It was easy to do freelancing for The Charlotte World. All I had to do was email Warren an idea and if he agreed to it, I just wrote the story and sent it in. I didn’t want to learn how to write query letters and go through the hassle of trying to even GET a freelance job.
Perhaps Donald Miller is right. Writing is not fun. The actual writing part. And maybe that’s why I don’t do it. Like with my fiction books I’ve started. It would be fun for a little while, but then I would get stuck and not know what to do and then I would hear the voices in my head tell me that I don’t know what I’m doing, why am I even writing at all? Then I would quit. I would go back to it maybe months later. Or maybe not at all.
Maybe I thought writing would be “glamorous.” But it’s not. It’s hard. Like most everything else I’ve done. Which makes me wonder if I’m really a writer. I don’t think like a writer does. I’m not very observant and I don’t daydream or think of stories and characters all the time. I don’t feel like a writer. Sometimes I wonder why I’m in a writer’s group when I don’t write and can’t even write a 500-word blog every three months. What’ the point?
I just realized that I was supposed to have been journaling all week but haven’t. I guess I had it in my head I would journal during my weekend retreat. However, I have done some kind things during the last week.
I gave three bags of food to different people. One was to my mom, who didn’t seem all that appreciative. She was more concerned there was something she wouldn’t like in it. I told her that Tiffany wanted me to give it to her, but that it was from our church. They had extra bags left over, so I took three to give away.
Another one went to Larry, who works for Diann as a handyman of sorts. I told him the bag was from me and Mandy and we wanted to bless him. A few minutes later I hear he’s trying to give it to another co-worker because he’s got a cupboard full of food that he’s too lazy to cook. I realized I should have given it to someone else. If he decided to give it to someone else who needed it more, then that would be fine with me.
The last one I gave to Mary Ann, the woman who used to be Diann’s housekeeper. She was very appreciative. I also told her the bag was from me and Mandy. She called Mandy to thank her. Diann also gave her $50 for Thanksgiving, just because. She’s a very nice lady. I miss seeing her twice a week, when I used to pick her up and take her to Diann’s house every Wednesday and Friday. She invited Mandy and me over any time. At least that one I could feel good about.
On Friday of last week, I gave my coworker, Misty, a thank you card just thanking her for being a friend and offering to spend more time with her outside of work. She thought it was very sweet of me. It felt good, but kind of awkward in a way because I’m kind of like a supervisor to her, but a friend too and it was kind of awkward to just open myself up like that. But she had sent me a card some months ago, appreciative of me being a friend to her.
I have tried to do little things to help people out. I’ve been trying to do that for some time now. Especially at work. I go above and beyond there, trying to help out in different ways, even it’s just a small thing. But I get into thinking that I do so much more than most everybody else and nothing is ever said about my taking initiative and doing more than is required. I feel unappreciated, I guess.
Last night, I went to the hospital to eat Thanksgiving dinner with my mom in the cafeteria where she works. While I was there, I had to go see if I could visit Bob. Mom found his room number and after getting lost, she walked with me to the critical unit, but I couldn’t go in. So she went in and found Lisa, his wife, and told her I was there. Lisa came out and talked to me. Bob is doing better than expected. Apparently the doctors had been telling her he wasn’t going to make it. But he’s breathing on his own. And he’ll be going to rehabilitation soon. She is a strong woman to deal with this. I asked if she needed anything. She said no. I hugged her and told her I would be praying for him and to tell him that I was there and I would be praying. She thanked me for coming by. I was tempted to just leave, but I’m glad I didn’t.
As far as Kim…well, I just called and left a message (at 3:23 p.m.). I told her I’m out of town but I was thinking about her. I wished her a happy late Thanksgiving and asked if perhaps we can get together sometime next week, if she has time, to catch up. I asked her to call me back when she can. Hopefully she will. I would love to get together with her. I realize that we will probably never be as close as we once were, but I still love her and I want to be a better friend than I have been in the last three years. I want to be there for her as she goes through this cancer journey. I miss her (I’m crying as I write this). I wonder if I haven’t failed her as a friend. I haven’t kept in touch with her either. I really hope she calls me back. Even if we can’t be as close as before, I can still be a friend to her. Even if she can’t really be one to me right now. I can only imagine what she is going through right now. I need to pray for her.
Friday, Nov. 27 continued…
Well, I wasted most of the day today. I did finish Donald Miller’s book on CD and wrote some in my journal, but then I wasted four hours with the TV on and doing puzzles. I shouldn’t even have the TV on this weekend. Except to watch the documentary on Shane’s book. Why do I waste so much time?
I feel like I need to come up with a schedule just so I won’t waste time. But I don’t really want to be on a schedule, yet I have things I really must do while I’m here. Like grade papers and come up with questions to ask the teacher I’m meeting with on Tuesday about the class I’ll be teaching in the spring. Those things I must do.
Other things I SHOULD do include spending time with God. That should really be a MUST do also. Yet it’s not. Why is that?
I don’t feel good…my stomach has been so upset since Wednesday night. Yet I still wanted to come, I needed to come. I need to rest. I brought some collage stuff. And art stuff. I hope to do some of that too while I’m here. As well as read and study the Bible.
But tomorrow I want to visit the local coffee shop so I can hook up to the internet and check my email. I’m still not sure if I’m going to have to write a blog this weekend since I haven’t heard from Kim or Tami.
I’m really tired. I think tonight will be an early night. I hope and pray that I don’t wake up hurting like I did last night and have to make myself throw up to feel better.
Disappointment and Writing
I feel like such a disappointment. The last two times it has been my turn to write a blog for my writer’s group’s blog, I haven’t done it. This last time I really forgot all about it. But apparently it was not a priority. It wasn’t before, either. Writing doesn’t seem to be a priority for me. Hasn’t been for awhile. It’s like I have an aversion to writing. I start many different writing projects, but can’t finish any of them. I thought I would be doing freelance writing about five or six years ago. I was going to writer’s retreats and had a whole notebook of tips and ideas and guidelines. But I did nothing with any of it. It sat on my shelf until now the guidelines are all out of date.
When I think about why I didn’t do anything with it, I remember having the desire but then when I saw all the work that I would have to do, I got overwhelmed and couldn’t bring myself to do it. It didn’t seem worth all the work, I guess. Or maybe I just wanted it to be easy. It was easy to do freelancing for The Charlotte World. All I had to do was email Warren an idea and if he agreed to it, I just wrote the story and sent it in. I didn’t want to learn how to write query letters and go through the hassle of trying to even GET a freelance job.
Perhaps Donald Miller is right. Writing is not fun. The actual writing part. And maybe that’s why I don’t do it. Like with my fiction books I’ve started. It would be fun for a little while, but then I would get stuck and not know what to do and then I would hear the voices in my head tell me that I don’t know what I’m doing, why am I even writing at all? Then I would quit. I would go back to it maybe months later. Or maybe not at all.
Maybe I thought writing would be “glamorous.” But it’s not. It’s hard. Like most everything else I’ve done. Which makes me wonder if I’m really a writer. I don’t think like a writer does. I’m not very observant and I don’t daydream or think of stories and characters all the time. I don’t feel like a writer. Sometimes I wonder why I’m in a writer’s group when I don’t write and can’t even write a 500-word blog every three months. What’ the point?
Nov 15, 2009
Who am I?
The Bad...
- Selfish
- Insecure
- Unattractive
- Lazy
- Mediocre
- Undisciplined
- Practical Atheist
- Hypocrite
- Temperamental
- Impatient
- Unmotivated
- A failure
- Weak
- Fat
- Not feminine enough
- Not good enough
- Organized
- Loyal
- A good friend
- Can write some things well
- Good student
- Good listener
- Hard worker
- Ethical
- Honest
- Trustworthy
Who Is God? To Me...
So...who is God? Well, I know a lot of things about God. I know who He is SUPPOSED to be. But who is He to me? Who is he REALLY? What do I REALLY believe in my heart He is? Well, here goes...
God is...
God is...
- Distant
- Gaging me on my behavior
- Disappointed in me
- Good
- Controller of this world, universe and beyond
- Mysterious
- Confusing sometimes
- Beyond comprehension
- Provider
- Speaks to those willing to listen and obey
- Gracious
- Lets us make our own mistakes
- Performs miracles in some people's lives and not others
- Saves all who come to him
- Seems to have favorites
How I REALLY Feel...
Sunday, October 11, 2009
I don’t even know where to begin. How I’m feeling and have been feeling off and on for some time now. I’ve had what I can only describe as a restlessness inside me for some years. A longing for a greater purpose, for a greater plan, for a greater something than the mundane, mediocre life I’ve been living. I’ve sought for my “plan” and “purpose” from above, with no luck, or so it has seemed. What am I “supposed” to be doing with my life? What is God’s great call, his purpose for me, his good and perfect plan?
I’ve went from job to job, church to church, seeking my “way,” my “purpose,” my “plan” with no success. I go to retreats thinking this time it will be different, this time I will be changed for good, that emptiness inside will finally be filled and I will know why I’m here and what I should be doing in this life. But the feelings of the mountaintop experiences quickly pass, and I find that I am still the same person I was before I left on said “life-changing” retreat. Except a little more confused and frustrated.
Why is it that I can only seek and “find” God in a retreat-like setting? Why is He so hard to find in the day-to-day existence that makes up my life? Why can’t I get in touch with Him in my bedroom, in my “quiet-time” chair that I put in the corner for just that purpose? Why is it that I resist finding Him here in the mediocrity?
I long for something greater than me to swoop in and change me from the inside out without me having to do much work. However, I know that that doesn’t work, at least it doesn’t work for me. Change from the inside out takes work. I guess I’m finding that I don’t want to do the work it takes to truly change. I would rather wallow in self-pity, excuses, and the comfortableness of what I’ve always been and always done.
I’ve been to a supposed “life-changing” class, Lifeskills, with little to no change. But I also realized that I didn’t really get into it much and do the necessary steps to make a lasting change. I guess I keep wanting that instantaneous change that I hear happens to some people when they first come to Christ—where they are changed in an instant and are no longer the old person but a “new creation.”
I haven’t yet found my new creation. All I see in the mirror every day is the same old self, the same self-centered, angry person who is discontented with life as a whole. Who desires to change so many aspects of life, but who gets very discouraged very easily and overwhelmed very easily. I see SO MANY areas that need changing, and I can’t just focus on one very well, so none of them get focused on and nothing changes.
So then I spiral down into my hole of depression and self-pity. The enemy tempts me to go farther and farther away from the only One who can help me. I scare myself sometimes with the things I think about and the things I do. I’m beginning to wonder if I have a psychological aversion to becoming thin because I secretly think I will give in to those temptations that have plagued me for years. Because I still don’t give myself much worth – largely because of my continuing flaws, mostly anger, cussing, laziness and self-centeredness that never changes.
Also because I’m fat (obese, bordering on morbidly obese) and feel extremely unattractive. My last “boyfriend” if he could even be called that was a manipulative player who used me and abused me and then left me. He didn’t care about me for me. Kemp was the only one who came close to that, except for maybe Steven. But no one has even had an interest, yet I see even uglier and fatter women who get dates and mates, but not me. Am I truly meant to be single the rest of my life? I don’t think I’m okay with that.
This just adds to my ever-growing disgust for myself. I’m now a horrible teacher, and a no-good writer wannabe. I’ve been in a writer’s group for a year and haven’t finished anything I’ve started and haven’t even started much of anything at all. It’s like I have a great aversion to writing at all, but I don’t know why. I know that when I start a fiction story, I stop because I don’t know what I’m doing, but I don’t think I have the time or energy to learn what to do, or do research. Or maybe I’m just too damn lazy to do any of that. Maybe I just want it to come easily and when it doesn’t, I just give up.
Maybe that’s what I expect in life. Maybe that’s what I expected this English class to be, and now that it’s not, I want to quit. I quit the teaching session I was supposed to teach for the writer’s retreat in two weeks because it’s not coming easily – and because I’m not qualified to teach on writing because I don’t write! And so that’s what I’ve branded myself as, a quitter, a loser, a failure. So I set myself up to fail in every area of life: writing, spiritual, health, exercise, etc.
Except my current job, which I almost did set myself up to fail at the beginning. Now I know I do a good job, but I still feel a restlessness and anxiety in it. One because I’m afraid one day they’re going to run out of money and we’re not going to get paid and the whole place is going to go bankrupt. Then where will I be? But of course that’s also being selfish and self-centered. And worrying. And not trusting God. Which I’m good at.
I need to ask God for forgiveness for being a practical atheist and leaving Him completely out of my life. I feel like a hypocrite every time someone even starts talking about spiritual things. I feel so out of it, so far from Him, of my own choosing. But why have I run the other way? When did this all start?
I think it started when I read some books, “The Myth of Christianity” and Shane Claiborne’s book. Those books showed me how far from being a true follower of Christ I really am. And instead of inspiring me to be a better one, I withdraw and become depressed because I don’t think I will ever be that kind of Christian. I even began to wonder if I’m even truly saved since I’m so self-centered as an affluent American who doesn’t know the meaning of being persecuted for one’s beliefs or going without.
I keep thinking how I’m surrounded by so much “stuff” that feels stifling. There are periods of time when I just want to get rid of it all. But for what end? What purpose? To “follow” Christ? But what does that entail? What does that really mean? Do I know how to be a follower of Christ?
I don’t feel that I do. I don’t love people like I should, like Jesus tells us to. I don’t even love Him like I should. If I did, I would WANT to spend time with Him. I would WANT to know Him better. There was a brief time when I did want that, deep inside in my spirit. But my flesh is so weak and it didn’t want that, it wanted to do whatever it desired and I gave in to it, as usual.
But what is life about then? Working, eating, sleeping, playing and then dying? What does that accomplish? NOTHING! What does going to church and playing the Christian part really do if you’re not touching other’s lives with the truth of God’s word? I haven’t even barely looked at my Bible in three months. I left one of them in a friend’s car for two months and didn’t even miss it!
Here is a prophecy sent to me from someone I don’t even know on October 2 but I just now read it:
Thus Saith the Lord; October 2, 2009
Oh My people, I am crying out to you and I am shaking you awake. Beware, beware, so many problems will come crashing down on you very soon. If your eyes are still on the world and your possessions you will be caught off guard. You must be one hundred percent yielded to Me at all times.
Have you still not recognized that I am Almighty? When you finally realize that I am truly Omnicient, Omnipotent, and Omnipresent you will comprehend that I can do all things. Remember that I chose you long before you knew Me.
These truly are the very last days for the world as you know it. Many of you feel that you have lost all things, but you will never lose Me so get your mind off of your troubles and look only to Me.
Your nation is floundering like a fish out of water. They feel they have all the answers without God, but all they will accomplish is total disaster. In the end every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord! Either you are Mine completely or you are not Mine at all. The enemy already has a hold on those who are only partial or pretend Christians. I ask you to search your hearts very carefully and find any place you are still holding back from Me. Give all to Me for then I am able to give all to you. Does not My Word say, “Return to Me and I will return to you”! (Acts 15:16) (Malachi 3:7)
Received by Katie Jordan
I have been feeling for some time now that impending disaster is coming to our country and those who are sitting comfortably in our affluence will be taken by surprise and not be prepared for what lies ahead. Persecution is coming to America and soon. Who will be ready to face it? Who will be on the Lord’s side when it comes and who will still be sitting on the fence thinking they are on the Lord’s side when in fact, the Enemy owns the fence!
My prayer today at 3:25 p.m., October 11
“God – Awesome, Almighty God who is GOOD and GREAT… forgive me for straying from you! Forgive me for doing my own thing, for thinking only of myself, for worrying, for stressing, for not spending time with you, for not believing you, for thinking only of myself and not of anyone else. Forgive me for my anger and my horrible thoughts and my filthy words.
Yes, I have questioned you, I have questioned if you still care about me, if you’re still there even after I’ve turned away in what is only rebellion and disobedience. It’s NOT ABOUT ME after all, is it? Why am I so focused on ME, ME, ME as if the world revolves around my life. I have lost my focus, the true focus of life. I lost it a long time ago and never truly gained it back, though I’ve seen glimpses. I know that the hurt of my past, and the lies of the enemy have held me back from obeying you and from grabbing hold of that all-elusive “purpose” which is spelled out in your Word if only I would dare to go there.
I want to get my mind off my troubles and look only to you as the prophecy says. Prophecy: “Either you are Mine completely or you are not Mine at all. The enemy already has a hold on those who are only partial or pretend Christians. I ask you to search your hearts very carefully and find any place you are still holding back from Me. Give all to Me for then I am able to give all to you. Does not My Word say, “Return to Me and I will return to you”! (Acts 15:16) (Malachi 3:7)”
Oh God, I am not completely Yours! The enemy does have a hold on me…I don’t want to be a partial Christian, I don’t want to sit on the enemy’s fence and think I’m fully Yours when I’m not! Lord, YOU search my heart and find the places I am holding back from You! Lord, I want to return to you! I want to be all Yours! I don’t know HOW!
The answer has always been there, I just haven’t wanted to do it. I haven’t wanted to spend the time, the effort. FORGIVE ME LORD for I am a woman of unclean lips and an unclean mind!!!! I am stubborn and disobedient! I am rebellious! Anything worth having is worth working for! Forgive me for not wanting to work for anything! I have been wanting everything handed to me. I don’t know why or where that came from, all I know is that’s what I’ve thought or expected for so long.
I know I don’t have to work for my salvation, but I do have to work for my sanctification and intimacy with you. I’ve never really had to work at a relationship. I know I need to spend time with You, and I know I’ve given so many excuses not to. My excuses will not hold up in the end.
I don’t want my life to be nothing but regrets in the end. I want my life to count for something. I know those people in the monastic communities and others who are loving people and living for You are not any better than me, spiritually or otherwise. They are living in obedience to what You have told them to do and be.
Show me how I can spend that quality time with you Father! How I can hear your voice when You speak to me? I don’t want to be confused! Help me able to take things in steps and be okay with it. Everything can’t be done all at once. Doing nothing gets me nowhere! And that’s where I’ve stayed for so long. In the land of Nowhere!
If’ I’m supposed to write for you, impress it on my heart what that is to be. I do need you, I can’t do any of this on my own anymore. I don’t want to worry or stress over anything! You are Lord and God of all that is and all that is to be, what have we to worry about? You hold us in the palm of your mighty hand! You count the stars and know them all by name! You know my name!
Thank you! Thank you for your love and grace! Thank you for loving me when You didn’t have to. Show me your path so that I may walk it. I want to be ready when trouble comes. To be able to trust you that you are always there and will never let me go, no matter what comes.
You know my doubts, all my fears, all my struggles. Thank you that you know them all!
I don’t even know where to begin. How I’m feeling and have been feeling off and on for some time now. I’ve had what I can only describe as a restlessness inside me for some years. A longing for a greater purpose, for a greater plan, for a greater something than the mundane, mediocre life I’ve been living. I’ve sought for my “plan” and “purpose” from above, with no luck, or so it has seemed. What am I “supposed” to be doing with my life? What is God’s great call, his purpose for me, his good and perfect plan?
I’ve went from job to job, church to church, seeking my “way,” my “purpose,” my “plan” with no success. I go to retreats thinking this time it will be different, this time I will be changed for good, that emptiness inside will finally be filled and I will know why I’m here and what I should be doing in this life. But the feelings of the mountaintop experiences quickly pass, and I find that I am still the same person I was before I left on said “life-changing” retreat. Except a little more confused and frustrated.
Why is it that I can only seek and “find” God in a retreat-like setting? Why is He so hard to find in the day-to-day existence that makes up my life? Why can’t I get in touch with Him in my bedroom, in my “quiet-time” chair that I put in the corner for just that purpose? Why is it that I resist finding Him here in the mediocrity?
I long for something greater than me to swoop in and change me from the inside out without me having to do much work. However, I know that that doesn’t work, at least it doesn’t work for me. Change from the inside out takes work. I guess I’m finding that I don’t want to do the work it takes to truly change. I would rather wallow in self-pity, excuses, and the comfortableness of what I’ve always been and always done.
I’ve been to a supposed “life-changing” class, Lifeskills, with little to no change. But I also realized that I didn’t really get into it much and do the necessary steps to make a lasting change. I guess I keep wanting that instantaneous change that I hear happens to some people when they first come to Christ—where they are changed in an instant and are no longer the old person but a “new creation.”
I haven’t yet found my new creation. All I see in the mirror every day is the same old self, the same self-centered, angry person who is discontented with life as a whole. Who desires to change so many aspects of life, but who gets very discouraged very easily and overwhelmed very easily. I see SO MANY areas that need changing, and I can’t just focus on one very well, so none of them get focused on and nothing changes.
So then I spiral down into my hole of depression and self-pity. The enemy tempts me to go farther and farther away from the only One who can help me. I scare myself sometimes with the things I think about and the things I do. I’m beginning to wonder if I have a psychological aversion to becoming thin because I secretly think I will give in to those temptations that have plagued me for years. Because I still don’t give myself much worth – largely because of my continuing flaws, mostly anger, cussing, laziness and self-centeredness that never changes.
Also because I’m fat (obese, bordering on morbidly obese) and feel extremely unattractive. My last “boyfriend” if he could even be called that was a manipulative player who used me and abused me and then left me. He didn’t care about me for me. Kemp was the only one who came close to that, except for maybe Steven. But no one has even had an interest, yet I see even uglier and fatter women who get dates and mates, but not me. Am I truly meant to be single the rest of my life? I don’t think I’m okay with that.
This just adds to my ever-growing disgust for myself. I’m now a horrible teacher, and a no-good writer wannabe. I’ve been in a writer’s group for a year and haven’t finished anything I’ve started and haven’t even started much of anything at all. It’s like I have a great aversion to writing at all, but I don’t know why. I know that when I start a fiction story, I stop because I don’t know what I’m doing, but I don’t think I have the time or energy to learn what to do, or do research. Or maybe I’m just too damn lazy to do any of that. Maybe I just want it to come easily and when it doesn’t, I just give up.
Maybe that’s what I expect in life. Maybe that’s what I expected this English class to be, and now that it’s not, I want to quit. I quit the teaching session I was supposed to teach for the writer’s retreat in two weeks because it’s not coming easily – and because I’m not qualified to teach on writing because I don’t write! And so that’s what I’ve branded myself as, a quitter, a loser, a failure. So I set myself up to fail in every area of life: writing, spiritual, health, exercise, etc.
Except my current job, which I almost did set myself up to fail at the beginning. Now I know I do a good job, but I still feel a restlessness and anxiety in it. One because I’m afraid one day they’re going to run out of money and we’re not going to get paid and the whole place is going to go bankrupt. Then where will I be? But of course that’s also being selfish and self-centered. And worrying. And not trusting God. Which I’m good at.
I need to ask God for forgiveness for being a practical atheist and leaving Him completely out of my life. I feel like a hypocrite every time someone even starts talking about spiritual things. I feel so out of it, so far from Him, of my own choosing. But why have I run the other way? When did this all start?
I think it started when I read some books, “The Myth of Christianity” and Shane Claiborne’s book. Those books showed me how far from being a true follower of Christ I really am. And instead of inspiring me to be a better one, I withdraw and become depressed because I don’t think I will ever be that kind of Christian. I even began to wonder if I’m even truly saved since I’m so self-centered as an affluent American who doesn’t know the meaning of being persecuted for one’s beliefs or going without.
I keep thinking how I’m surrounded by so much “stuff” that feels stifling. There are periods of time when I just want to get rid of it all. But for what end? What purpose? To “follow” Christ? But what does that entail? What does that really mean? Do I know how to be a follower of Christ?
I don’t feel that I do. I don’t love people like I should, like Jesus tells us to. I don’t even love Him like I should. If I did, I would WANT to spend time with Him. I would WANT to know Him better. There was a brief time when I did want that, deep inside in my spirit. But my flesh is so weak and it didn’t want that, it wanted to do whatever it desired and I gave in to it, as usual.
But what is life about then? Working, eating, sleeping, playing and then dying? What does that accomplish? NOTHING! What does going to church and playing the Christian part really do if you’re not touching other’s lives with the truth of God’s word? I haven’t even barely looked at my Bible in three months. I left one of them in a friend’s car for two months and didn’t even miss it!
Here is a prophecy sent to me from someone I don’t even know on October 2 but I just now read it:
Thus Saith the Lord; October 2, 2009
Oh My people, I am crying out to you and I am shaking you awake. Beware, beware, so many problems will come crashing down on you very soon. If your eyes are still on the world and your possessions you will be caught off guard. You must be one hundred percent yielded to Me at all times.
Have you still not recognized that I am Almighty? When you finally realize that I am truly Omnicient, Omnipotent, and Omnipresent you will comprehend that I can do all things. Remember that I chose you long before you knew Me.
These truly are the very last days for the world as you know it. Many of you feel that you have lost all things, but you will never lose Me so get your mind off of your troubles and look only to Me.
Your nation is floundering like a fish out of water. They feel they have all the answers without God, but all they will accomplish is total disaster. In the end every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord! Either you are Mine completely or you are not Mine at all. The enemy already has a hold on those who are only partial or pretend Christians. I ask you to search your hearts very carefully and find any place you are still holding back from Me. Give all to Me for then I am able to give all to you. Does not My Word say, “Return to Me and I will return to you”! (Acts 15:16) (Malachi 3:7)
Received by Katie Jordan
I have been feeling for some time now that impending disaster is coming to our country and those who are sitting comfortably in our affluence will be taken by surprise and not be prepared for what lies ahead. Persecution is coming to America and soon. Who will be ready to face it? Who will be on the Lord’s side when it comes and who will still be sitting on the fence thinking they are on the Lord’s side when in fact, the Enemy owns the fence!
My prayer today at 3:25 p.m., October 11
“God – Awesome, Almighty God who is GOOD and GREAT… forgive me for straying from you! Forgive me for doing my own thing, for thinking only of myself, for worrying, for stressing, for not spending time with you, for not believing you, for thinking only of myself and not of anyone else. Forgive me for my anger and my horrible thoughts and my filthy words.
Yes, I have questioned you, I have questioned if you still care about me, if you’re still there even after I’ve turned away in what is only rebellion and disobedience. It’s NOT ABOUT ME after all, is it? Why am I so focused on ME, ME, ME as if the world revolves around my life. I have lost my focus, the true focus of life. I lost it a long time ago and never truly gained it back, though I’ve seen glimpses. I know that the hurt of my past, and the lies of the enemy have held me back from obeying you and from grabbing hold of that all-elusive “purpose” which is spelled out in your Word if only I would dare to go there.
I want to get my mind off my troubles and look only to you as the prophecy says. Prophecy: “Either you are Mine completely or you are not Mine at all. The enemy already has a hold on those who are only partial or pretend Christians. I ask you to search your hearts very carefully and find any place you are still holding back from Me. Give all to Me for then I am able to give all to you. Does not My Word say, “Return to Me and I will return to you”! (Acts 15:16) (Malachi 3:7)”
Oh God, I am not completely Yours! The enemy does have a hold on me…I don’t want to be a partial Christian, I don’t want to sit on the enemy’s fence and think I’m fully Yours when I’m not! Lord, YOU search my heart and find the places I am holding back from You! Lord, I want to return to you! I want to be all Yours! I don’t know HOW!
The answer has always been there, I just haven’t wanted to do it. I haven’t wanted to spend the time, the effort. FORGIVE ME LORD for I am a woman of unclean lips and an unclean mind!!!! I am stubborn and disobedient! I am rebellious! Anything worth having is worth working for! Forgive me for not wanting to work for anything! I have been wanting everything handed to me. I don’t know why or where that came from, all I know is that’s what I’ve thought or expected for so long.
I know I don’t have to work for my salvation, but I do have to work for my sanctification and intimacy with you. I’ve never really had to work at a relationship. I know I need to spend time with You, and I know I’ve given so many excuses not to. My excuses will not hold up in the end.
I don’t want my life to be nothing but regrets in the end. I want my life to count for something. I know those people in the monastic communities and others who are loving people and living for You are not any better than me, spiritually or otherwise. They are living in obedience to what You have told them to do and be.
Show me how I can spend that quality time with you Father! How I can hear your voice when You speak to me? I don’t want to be confused! Help me able to take things in steps and be okay with it. Everything can’t be done all at once. Doing nothing gets me nowhere! And that’s where I’ve stayed for so long. In the land of Nowhere!
If’ I’m supposed to write for you, impress it on my heart what that is to be. I do need you, I can’t do any of this on my own anymore. I don’t want to worry or stress over anything! You are Lord and God of all that is and all that is to be, what have we to worry about? You hold us in the palm of your mighty hand! You count the stars and know them all by name! You know my name!
Thank you! Thank you for your love and grace! Thank you for loving me when You didn’t have to. Show me your path so that I may walk it. I want to be ready when trouble comes. To be able to trust you that you are always there and will never let me go, no matter what comes.
You know my doubts, all my fears, all my struggles. Thank you that you know them all!
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