Kind and Giving Things
I just realized that I was supposed to have been journaling all week but haven’t. I guess I had it in my head I would journal during my weekend retreat. However, I have done some kind things during the last week.
I gave three bags of food to different people. One was to my mom, who didn’t seem all that appreciative. She was more concerned there was something she wouldn’t like in it. I told her that Tiffany wanted me to give it to her, but that it was from our church. They had extra bags left over, so I took three to give away.
Another one went to Larry, who works for Diann as a handyman of sorts. I told him the bag was from me and Mandy and we wanted to bless him. A few minutes later I hear he’s trying to give it to another co-worker because he’s got a cupboard full of food that he’s too lazy to cook. I realized I should have given it to someone else. If he decided to give it to someone else who needed it more, then that would be fine with me.
The last one I gave to Mary Ann, the woman who used to be Diann’s housekeeper. She was very appreciative. I also told her the bag was from me and Mandy. She called Mandy to thank her. Diann also gave her $50 for Thanksgiving, just because. She’s a very nice lady. I miss seeing her twice a week, when I used to pick her up and take her to Diann’s house every Wednesday and Friday. She invited Mandy and me over any time. At least that one I could feel good about.
On Friday of last week, I gave my coworker, Misty, a thank you card just thanking her for being a friend and offering to spend more time with her outside of work. She thought it was very sweet of me. It felt good, but kind of awkward in a way because I’m kind of like a supervisor to her, but a friend too and it was kind of awkward to just open myself up like that. But she had sent me a card some months ago, appreciative of me being a friend to her.
I have tried to do little things to help people out. I’ve been trying to do that for some time now. Especially at work. I go above and beyond there, trying to help out in different ways, even it’s just a small thing. But I get into thinking that I do so much more than most everybody else and nothing is ever said about my taking initiative and doing more than is required. I feel unappreciated, I guess.
Last night, I went to the hospital to eat Thanksgiving dinner with my mom in the cafeteria where she works. While I was there, I had to go see if I could visit Bob. Mom found his room number and after getting lost, she walked with me to the critical unit, but I couldn’t go in. So she went in and found Lisa, his wife, and told her I was there. Lisa came out and talked to me. Bob is doing better than expected. Apparently the doctors had been telling her he wasn’t going to make it. But he’s breathing on his own. And he’ll be going to rehabilitation soon. She is a strong woman to deal with this. I asked if she needed anything. She said no. I hugged her and told her I would be praying for him and to tell him that I was there and I would be praying. She thanked me for coming by. I was tempted to just leave, but I’m glad I didn’t.
As far as Kim…well, I just called and left a message (at 3:23 p.m.). I told her I’m out of town but I was thinking about her. I wished her a happy late Thanksgiving and asked if perhaps we can get together sometime next week, if she has time, to catch up. I asked her to call me back when she can. Hopefully she will. I would love to get together with her. I realize that we will probably never be as close as we once were, but I still love her and I want to be a better friend than I have been in the last three years. I want to be there for her as she goes through this cancer journey. I miss her (I’m crying as I write this). I wonder if I haven’t failed her as a friend. I haven’t kept in touch with her either. I really hope she calls me back. Even if we can’t be as close as before, I can still be a friend to her. Even if she can’t really be one to me right now. I can only imagine what she is going through right now. I need to pray for her.
Friday, Nov. 27 continued…
Well, I wasted most of the day today. I did finish Donald Miller’s book on CD and wrote some in my journal, but then I wasted four hours with the TV on and doing puzzles. I shouldn’t even have the TV on this weekend. Except to watch the documentary on Shane’s book. Why do I waste so much time?
I feel like I need to come up with a schedule just so I won’t waste time. But I don’t really want to be on a schedule, yet I have things I really must do while I’m here. Like grade papers and come up with questions to ask the teacher I’m meeting with on Tuesday about the class I’ll be teaching in the spring. Those things I must do.
Other things I SHOULD do include spending time with God. That should really be a MUST do also. Yet it’s not. Why is that?
I don’t feel good…my stomach has been so upset since Wednesday night. Yet I still wanted to come, I needed to come. I need to rest. I brought some collage stuff. And art stuff. I hope to do some of that too while I’m here. As well as read and study the Bible.
But tomorrow I want to visit the local coffee shop so I can hook up to the internet and check my email. I’m still not sure if I’m going to have to write a blog this weekend since I haven’t heard from Kim or Tami.
I’m really tired. I think tonight will be an early night. I hope and pray that I don’t wake up hurting like I did last night and have to make myself throw up to feel better.
Disappointment and Writing
I feel like such a disappointment. The last two times it has been my turn to write a blog for my writer’s group’s blog, I haven’t done it. This last time I really forgot all about it. But apparently it was not a priority. It wasn’t before, either. Writing doesn’t seem to be a priority for me. Hasn’t been for awhile. It’s like I have an aversion to writing. I start many different writing projects, but can’t finish any of them. I thought I would be doing freelance writing about five or six years ago. I was going to writer’s retreats and had a whole notebook of tips and ideas and guidelines. But I did nothing with any of it. It sat on my shelf until now the guidelines are all out of date.
When I think about why I didn’t do anything with it, I remember having the desire but then when I saw all the work that I would have to do, I got overwhelmed and couldn’t bring myself to do it. It didn’t seem worth all the work, I guess. Or maybe I just wanted it to be easy. It was easy to do freelancing for The Charlotte World. All I had to do was email Warren an idea and if he agreed to it, I just wrote the story and sent it in. I didn’t want to learn how to write query letters and go through the hassle of trying to even GET a freelance job.
Perhaps Donald Miller is right. Writing is not fun. The actual writing part. And maybe that’s why I don’t do it. Like with my fiction books I’ve started. It would be fun for a little while, but then I would get stuck and not know what to do and then I would hear the voices in my head tell me that I don’t know what I’m doing, why am I even writing at all? Then I would quit. I would go back to it maybe months later. Or maybe not at all.
Maybe I thought writing would be “glamorous.” But it’s not. It’s hard. Like most everything else I’ve done. Which makes me wonder if I’m really a writer. I don’t think like a writer does. I’m not very observant and I don’t daydream or think of stories and characters all the time. I don’t feel like a writer. Sometimes I wonder why I’m in a writer’s group when I don’t write and can’t even write a 500-word blog every three months. What’ the point?
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