Today was a day dedicated to God, so I decided not to do any real “work.” This morning, I put on my praise CD and wept and danced and cried and laughed in worship for an hour or so. I felt God’s presence dancing with me and holding me as I cried in his arms on the sofa.
Then I felt I needed to take communion, at the altar behind the chairs. I removed the strange clay figure kneeling (no idols on God’s altar). I got the grape juice I bought yesterday and a saltine cracker and lit the candles (which is harder for me, I hate matches and flames. Luckily I didn’t set the place or myself on fire). I read the passage in 1 Corinthians about the Lord’s supper and cried and listened to God speak to me. I asked him if I could write down what he said. This is what I wrote:
“My light shines upon you – you are more than what you think you are. My daughter, you are mine. (I cried out at this point, interrupting him, “Why can’t I believe that? Why can’t I live like that?”) You only see in the physical. I see you as more than the physical. Allow me to open your eyes to the spiritual – to see with my eyes yourself and the world. You DO have a purpose. I am writing for you a better story. Will you believe?
Do not fear, my beloved. I will not forsake you. You the light to the world – this dark world, but I am the source of your light. Thank you for remembering me today.”
Then I said “I need to change my focus. It’s always on me, my health, my, my, my…It’s not about me.”
I continued after that listening to the praise music and gathering collage material (and worrying about my cat, texting Kristin about whether or not she fed him and gave him his insulin shot). I made two collages in my collage journal that I haven’t used since 2005. God spoke to me a lot in the second one, which I painted blue with red streaks across the blue and titled “God’s Heart.” I have been praying today for a renewed passion and love for Him. And not just in times of solitude like this, but in my every day life.
Then I watched the documentary “The Ordinary Radicals” about Shane Claiborne’s book tour of “Jesus for President.” It opened my eyes to see a world I haven’t wanted to see, living in my Christian bubble. Last night I lamented my inability to write a 500-700 word blog for the writer’s group. I kept saying, “I have nothing to say,” even when my own laptop mocked me with the hp slogan printed on the top: “What do you have to say?”
Today I sat and wrote over 700 words about seeking a transformation and seeing the world as Jesus does and being real about my lack of relationship with God and other people. I want God to change my story and thereby change me. But I know it will take stepping out of this bubble, my comfort zone, to do it. That scares me. I don’t know if I’ll ever really be ready for that. The unknown and the thought of pain and struggle really does scare me. But I hear my Lord saying to me, “Fear not!” “Be strong and courageous. I will not leave you nor forsake you.” (Joshua 1:5-6)
I will watch Angels and Demons in a little while and see what thoughts that movie provokes. The sky is beautiful right now. Several shades of blue; the clouds on the move over the mountain in the distance. I do love it here, but I know this is not where God calls me, even though I wish it were and I could stay here, sequestered from the cruel world. There is pain to face so that I may be able to comfort someone else down the road who faced similar pain. It is all so overwhelming to me now, but I know I have to learn to trust Him who does have a plan in all the madness.
No comments:
Post a Comment