Today I found the cool café in Traveler’s Rest and then a really nice Christian bookstore where I bought some Bibles (one a gift for Mandy) and some cool music. Luckily I found my way back and that took about three hours. I graded four papers (five more to go) and listened to Donald Miller’s first two CDs for the second time, taking notes for the blog I started writing that is due tomorrow. Then I watched a movie and now I’m writing in my journal.
I don’t recall spending any quality time with God today though. I don’t know why. I don’t know why I have such an aversion to sitting down with Him. Wait, though I did sit in this chair for a few minutes this morning in silence. But I find when I sit in silence, my thoughts seem to take over and get me distracted. So I was distracted so I got up and finished getting ready and left.
Now I’m listening to music and my fan is on so I won’t be sitting in silence. The silence kind of scares me, especially when I’m alone. I guess I don’t know what to do or what to say in the silence and it all seems pointless.
Donald Miller just starts doing all these things, these risky things. Things he wouldn’t have normally done. Who rides a bike all the way across the country? What is the story I’m living? I feel like it’s a page full of meaningless experiences, random happenings, noise. Not music, not something that has a purpose, that is going somewhere.
Where am I going? Do I have an ambition, a desire? No, I don’t. I’m just existing, just going through the motions. Just going from one day to the next denying the possibility that day could be my last. And then what? What will people remember me for? Not my passion for God, not my service to others. Maybe a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister. That’s not good enough!!!!
I remember when I was in high school, sitting in my room and thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. I remember thinking I just wanted to make a difference in the world. But I haven’t. The last 15 years have been worth nothing. Going from one deadend job to another. Seeking that all-illusive purpose that evades my hands each time I think I’ve finally grasped it.
I’ve felt like I couldn’t change. That I’m stuck with who I am. And who am I? Beneath the appearances, the masks I put on so everyone thinks I’m fine. Who do I think I am…that’s really the question. And what I think is probably not the truth, but it’s what I think, which makes it true to me. It’s my perception, my reality. So I think I’m a failure in life. I’m a failure to God.
I’m fat, lazy, full of excuses, unmotivated, stuck in the river of life that is taking me wherever it might lead. I’m not trying to paddle, not trying to change my destiny. I’m stuck in the current, going through the motions of swimming, but not really putting forth much effort. That is who I THINK I am. That’s who I have been for so many years. My experience, my actions show me to be that way.
I don’t know how I can begin to think of myself another way, a way that I am not. I am afraid that if I try to be a person I am not, I will fail. Once again. And thus, I am a failure. A self-fulfilling prophecy. And the cycle continues. How do I get off?
The biggest risk I’ve made has been to teach a class at RCCC. I’ve wanted to quit. I still feel like a failure with that. I feel like I’ve failed my students, like I haven’t taught them like I should have. I’ve always wanted to do something that meant something, that changed lives, that made a real difference in the world. I haven’t found it. I’m beginning to wonder if I ever will. Or if I’m just supposed to be stuck forever.
If I can change my story, I don’t know how to start. Is it to help change someone else’s story? Is it to start listening to God as He is trying to write me a better story? Is it to obey Him? How do I hear His voice when I have tried and can’t. When my own voice is louder? I came here to get away and to hear God. I came to, yes, do my work, but to also spend time with Him. I must try. I don’t want to die with the story I’ve been living. I want to live a better story.
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